Grin & Share It

Ever Wonder?

Can you cry under water?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in,” but get only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra $.01 going?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you came in?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re gonna see you naked anyway.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the Professor on Gilligan’s Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn’t he fix a hole in the boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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Cat-a-pult

The pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit farther, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little farther forward, the rope broke.

The tree went “boing!” and the kitten instantly sailed through the air, out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?”

She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, “Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.” She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her!”

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Watch That First Step!

A recently ordained pastor was invited fishing by two senior pastors. They rowed their boat out into the middle of a lake and started casting.

Suddenly, one of the senior pastors says, “I forgot my bait. I’ll be right back.” Then he hops out of the boat, walks across the water to shore. A few minutes later, he comes walking back and gets in the boat.

The junior pastor is astonished, but manages to keep it to himself.

A bit later, the other senior pastor says, “I forgot my sunscreen. I’ll be right back.” Then he hops out of the boat, walks across the water to shore. A few minutes later, he comes walking back and gets in the boat.

The junior pastor is now certain that these are two men of supreme faith. However, he doesn’t want to appear less spiritual.

After a few moments, the junior pastor says, “I forgot my lunch. I’ll be right back.” He hops out of the boat and plunges straight to the bottom of the lake.

One senior pastor turns to the other and says, “We probably should have told him about the stepping stones!”

(Thanks to Kathy Scheer x 2)

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Bach to Nature

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Ten More Commandments

1] Prayer is not a “spare wheel” that you pull out when in trouble; it is a “steering wheel” that directs us in the right path throughout life.

2] Do you know why a car’s windshield is so large, and the rear-view mirror is so small? Because our past is not as important as our future. So, look ahead and move on.

3] Friendship is like a book. It takes a few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.

4] All things in life are temporary. If it is going well, enjoy it; it will not last forever. If it is going wrong, don’t worry; that can’t last long either.

5] Old friends are like gold! New friends are diamonds! If you get a diamond, don’t forget the gold! Because to hold a diamond, you always need a base of gold!

6] Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, God smiles from above and says, “Relax, sweetheart; it’s just a bend, not the end!”

7] When God solves your problems, you have faith in His abilities; when God doesn’t solve your problems, He has faith in your abilities.

8] A blind person asked St. Anthony: “Can there be anything worse than losing eyesight?” He replied: “Yes, losing your vision.”

9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10] Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles; it takes away today’s peace.

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Clothes Captioning

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More Bulletin Bloopers

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off. Let the church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

(Thanks to Jeanna Voss)

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Don’t Know What You’ve Got Till It’s Gone

(Thanks to Phil Butler)

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Net Nativity

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Mike, Mrs. Jesus and the Three Amigos

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Loo-trun Airlines

A message from your crew – yeah, youbetcha.

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Creative Signs

In podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

On a church billboard: “Seven days without God makes one weak.”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push!”

On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know your stuff.”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a fence: “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive!”

At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet: Miss a car payment.”

At a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a propane filling station: “Thank heaven for little grills.”

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Words are Funny Things

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it!

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is just two-tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blown apart.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

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Wisdom From Grandpa

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past – but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, “Honey, you stick to the washing, ironing’, cooking’ and scrubbing. No wife of mine is gonna ‘work’.”

Many girls like to marry a military man: He can cook, sew and make beds, is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don’t recognize you.

Keep laughing; it’s good for the soul!

(Thanks to Christina Anderson)

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Military Musings

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
– Infantry Journal

“Don’t eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
– U.S. Air Force Manual

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
– General MacArthur

“You, you, and you… panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
– Infantry sergeant

“Tracers work both ways.”
– Army Ordnance Manual

“Five second fuses last about three seconds.”
– Infantry Journal

“The three most useless things in aviation are: fuel in the bowser, runway behind you and air above you.”
– Basic Flight Training Manual

“Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.”
– Naval Ops Manual

“Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.”
– Unknown infantry recruit

“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.”
– Infantry Journal

“Yea, though I fly through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. For I am at 50,000 feet and climbing.”
– Sign over SR71 Wing Ops

“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at mach 3.”
– Paul F. Crickmore, SR71 test pilot

“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
– Unknown

“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter – and therefore unsafe.”
– Fixed-wing pilot

“When one engine fails on a twin-engine plane, you still have enough power to get you to the scene of the crash.”
– Multi-engine training manual

“Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.”
– Unknown

“If you hear me yell, ‘Eject, Eject, Eject!,’ the last two will be echoes.”
“If you stop to ask ‘Why?’, you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.”
– Pre-flight briefing from a Canadian F104 pilot

“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies, but if ATC screws up… the pilot dies.”
– Sign over control tower door

“Never trade luck for skill.”
– Unknown

The three most common expressions in military aviation are:
“Did you feel that?”
“What’s that noise?”
“Oh [dear]!”
– Unknown

“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”
– Basic Flight Training Manual

“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”
– Emergency checklist

“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can barely kill you.”
– Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot

“‘There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.”
– Sign over Squadron Ops desk at Davis-Montham Air Force Base, Arizona

“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.”
– Lead-in Fighter Training Manual

The test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, wings and tail torn off; the crash truck arrives. The driver notes the bloodied pilot and asks, “What happened?”
The pilot replies, “I don’t know; I just got here!”

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How Your Computer Entertains Itself While You’re Away

Click the stick man to watch. Be sure to turn on your speakers!

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Mo’ Nail Lisa

Carpenters with too much time on their hands. We suspect this video is a fake, but it’s entertaining anyway.

(Thanks to Chris Kaemmerer)

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Easter Eggs Guaranteed to Crack You Up

(Click a picture to enlarge it.)

(Thanks to Donna Pohlmann)

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Children in Church

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A little boy was overheard praying, “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

A Sunday School teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered, “It’s Adam’s suit.”

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,”Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, “No, how are we alike?”
“You’re both old,” he replied.

A 10-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife!”

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What Tolerance Looks Like

(Thanks to Leslie Wise)

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Four-wormed is Forearmed

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol: Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke: Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup: Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil: Alive.

So the minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine was sitting in the back, and quickly raised her hand. “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

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Wash Your Car With One Bucket of Water!

(Thanks to Chris Kaemmerer)

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And the Rest is History

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, causing God to ask, “What’s wrong with you, Adam?”

Adam replied that he didn’t have anyone to talk to. So God announced that he was going to give him a companion – a woman.

“A woman?” Adam replied.

Then God described her. “She will be someone to cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to care for them. This woman will not nag you and will always be the first to admit when she is wrong. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever you need it.”

“What is she going to cost me, God?” Adam asked.

“An arm and a leg,” God responded.

Adam thought a moment and asked, “What can I get for just a rib?”

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Their Mothers Might Have Said It

“Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don’t know where it’s been!”

“David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling shot! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.”

“Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper.”

“Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!”

“Cain! Get off your brother! You’re going to kill him some day!”

“Noah! No, you can’t keep them! How many times do I have to tell you, don’t bring home any more strays.”

“Gideon! Have you been hiding in the winepress again? Look at your clothes.”

“James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder.”

“Judas! Have you been in my purse again?”

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Unintended Lawnmower Acceleration

And you thought your Toyota had problems! (No groundskeepers were harmed in the making of this video.)

(Thanks to Chris Kaemmerer)

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R.I.P.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite  being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

(Thanks to Leslie Wise)

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(Thanks to Chris Kaemmerer)

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Oh, How We Miss Leroy…

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

When the cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

(Thanks to Christina Anderson)

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Fountain of Youth

Youth is wonderful thing; what a crime to waste it on children. – George Bernard Shaw

There is nothing wrong with the younger generation that the older generation didn’t outgrow.

Many young men don’t believe in standing on their own two feet as long as they can ride on four wheels.

Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too. – Lionel Kaufman

Oldies but Goodies

Age is the best possible fire extinguisher for flaming youth.

Aging is at work when you kids study in history what you used to study as current events.

Old age is like climbing a mountain. You climb from ledge to ledge. The higher you get, the more tired and breathless you become, but your view becomes much more extensive. – Ingmar Bergman

Age: By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.

Take care that old age does not wrinkle your spirit even more than your face. – Michel de Montaigne

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Fish-fetching Fido

Give a dog a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a dog to fish and you make him an internet star!

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So You Think You’re Handy With Tools?

Watch this bandsaw craftsman risk life and pinkie. Can you guess what he’s making? Kids, don’t try this at home!

(Thanks to Chris Kaemmerer x 2)

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Not Learned At Church

A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to heaven. While strolling down the golden street they met God, and He asked them, “How do you like it so far?”

The mouse replied, “It’s great, but can I have a pair of in-line skates?”

God said, “Sure,” and He gave the mouse the skates.

Next day God saw the cat and asked him, “How do you like it up here so far?”

The cat replied, “Great, I didn’t know you had Meals on Wheels!”

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He’s A Bear, Isn’t He?

The class was all excited. The kids had a riddle to stump their Sunday school teacher:

Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

A: They have the same middle name.

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Rockin’ the Steward-ship

Ever notice all the words that are in the word “Stewardship”? First, there’s “Stew.” That’s what a congregation can get into after a sermon on tithing.

Then there’s “war,” which is what can take place in a church board discussion of the budget.

“Ship” is the third syllable. Like the Titantic, if there’s a hole in church giving, it can sink pretty fast.

Finally the word “hip,” a reminder that total stewardship is about the whole body!

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Motivation

A little girl became restless as Pastor Zastrow’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

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The “Tithe” Comes In

Two men were shipwrecked on a desert island. One was a churchgoer and other wasn’t. The minute they arrived on the island, the non-churchgoer began screaming and yelling, “We’re going to die! There’s no food! No water! We’re going to die!”

The other man was calmly propped against a palm tree, which drove the other guy crazy. “Don’t you understand? We’re going to die! What’s wrong with you?”

“You don’t understand,” said the churchgoer. “I make one hundred thousand dollars a week.”

“What difference does that make?” asked the non-churchgoer. “We’re on a desert island. We’re going to die!”

The churchgoer smiled, “You just don’t get it. I make one hundred thousand dollars a week, and I tithe. My pastor will find me!”

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Henry’s Big Idea

If you’re interested in the history of mechanical things and how they’re made, check out this fabulous video about the little buggy that changed the world.

(Thanks to Chris Kaemmerer)

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Click Here to Request Your Favorite Christmas Carol

(To those of you not familiar with our congregation: No, that is not the Ebenezer choir!)

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Just Wondering…

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

What is a man’s idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his feet so you can vacuum.

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

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(Thanks to Bob Kirschenmann)

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Christian One Liners

Don’t let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited – until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit’s end, you’ll find God lives there.

People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on the front door forever.

Quit griping about your church. If it were perfect, you couldn’t belong.

If a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself doesn’t propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don’t know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members singing Standing on the Promises are just sitting on the premises.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch ’em; He’ll clean ’em.

Stop, Drop, and Roll won’t work in Hell.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts!”

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you.

If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!

Prayer: Don’t give God instructions, just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don’t change the message; the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

There is no greater treasure than a good friend!

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Life is not the way it’s supposed to be; it’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

Just going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn’t, than live my life as if there isn’t, and die to find out there is.

Stop telling God how big your storm is; instead, tell the storm how big your God is.

Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me: You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself!

🙂 🙂 🙂

🙂 🙂 🙂

Archaeology

After digging to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found bits of copper wire, which led them to conclude that their ancestors had a telephone system more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a west coast archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly thereafter a story in the LA Times read, “Archaeologists, finding traces of 200-year-old cable, have concluded that Californians had an advanced communications network a hundred years earlier than New Yorkers.”

A week later, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported the following: “After digging 30 feet deep in his cow pasture near St. Clair, Bubba Brown reported that he found nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Missouri had already gone wireless.”

(Thanks to Bob Kirschenmann)

🙂 🙂 🙂

Swine Flu Hysteria Getting Out of Hand

 

(Thanks to Pastor Zastrow)

One Response to Grin & Share It

  1. jon and peggy king says:

    that is so cute pastor Zastrow,leave it to you! 🙂

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